Yankee Brew News Archive

Ask the Beer Doc

Originally Published: 03/95

By: Dr. Connard Brasseur

Dear Dr. Brasseur,

Gee, you look awfully familiar. Didn't we serve in the US Army together?

--Walter A. Casey, So. Boston, MA

Dear Walter,

Yes we did. Matter of fact, remember that round of beers I bought during

that crap game in Marseille back in 1945? Well it's your turn to buy,

dammit. C'mon up here and spend some of that pension dough. And by the way,

don't arrive empty handed, Gosselin'll tell you what happens to cheap

bastards up this way.

Dear Dr. Brasseur,

Last summer I visited relatives of mine in Germany. Many of the smaller

brewers offered a delicious beer called weissbeer. It was usually cloudy

and it tasted a little bit on the sour side. Most places served it up with

a wedge of lemon. Do you have a recipe for this sort of thing?

--J. Tiverthed, Portland, ME

Dear J. Rivethead,

I know what you're talking about. The old man used to make a similar brew

back in the early '30s. He used to call it wiz beer, cause if you drank

enough of it - you'd be wizzing like a timberwolf to the outhouse every ten

minutes or so. I'd give you the recipe, but personally I think that sour

beer can be hazardous to your health. If you don't believe me, ask Charlie

White Owl some time. Check out the recipe below.

Dear Dr. Brasseur,

Hey, I just want to tell you - I brewed up a batch of Old Hatchetface just

before Christmas. That stuff was great. My friends liked it too. Matter of

fact, this New Year's Eve my wife had a dinner party for three other

couples. The wife laid down the law before everyone arrived; you guys are

to stay the hell out of the cellar and stay away from that damned beer.

Well, as soon as everyone got here, the boys and I had to go downstairs to

check the furnace. We were slugging Hatchetfaces down there for two

hours. The bride wouldn't speak to me for two weeks; talk about peace on

earth - goodwill toward men!

--F. Gardenhier, Webster, MA

Dear Mr. Gardenhose,

She wouldn't speak for two weeks? Next time stay down there for the whole

day and she might be quiet for a whole month. You lucky bastard.

Dr. Brasseur,

You sir, are an insult to the medical profession. How dare you call my

spouse Mme. Face de Cul! Having studied French at the Sorbonne, I am

fully aware that face de cul means ass face. As if that vile insult

weren't enough, you instruct my spouse to fly up on her broom to sweep out

your trailer. If you weren't a world class bottom-feeder, I'd teach you a

lesson using the technique of the Marquis of Queensbury!

--Dr. W. A. Miracule

Wellesley Hills, MA

Dear Mssr. Face de Cul,

Anytime you want to share a broom ride up here with the bride, we'll try

out the Marquis of Lake Moxie technique - you run while me and Lyman scope

in our rifles.

Dear Dr. Brasseur,

I read with interest your story about finding wild hops in Maine. I'm

planning on trying to grow hops on my land in Vermont. Can you help with

any tips.

--J. Willimacher, St. Albans, VT.

Dear Willie Shaker,

Here are three hops growing tips: pest control, pest control, pest control.

A fat woodchuck can wolf down a good hop garden in one sitting, if you're not

careful. I know that most folks think I'm a grouchy old fart, and of course

they're right. But I do have a soft spot for animals, except for Henri, my

incontinent nitwit Basset hound.

If there's one thing a woodchuck can't resist, it's a tall drink of

homebrew. I keep a big gallon pan full of it in the middle of my wild hop

garden. The woodchucks sit there for hours and lap this stuff down; they

get so damned drunk they forget all about the hops. You can even drink this

beer yourself, ask Lyman Levesque. I caught the bastard in my hop garden -

down on his hands and knees - lapping it right out of the pan. A bunch of

woodchucks were circling around him and growling, I thought they were going

to kill him.

Heres the recipe for Woodchuck Wheat Beer (it ain't sour),

3.3# can of Superbrau American Light Extract

1# light dry malt extract

1# dry wheat malt extract

1/2 oz. Chinook hops

2 oz. Hallertauer hops

Red Star, Munton & Fison or Wyeast 1007 yeast

French Canadian Moss (you can substitute that Irish stuff if you want)

One old hockey stick

Instructions:

Dissolve malt extracts in a pan of hot water. Bring to a boil. Add Chinook

hops and boil for 30 minutes. When 30 minutes is up, add moss and one ounce

of Hallertauer hops. Boil 10 more minutes and add remaining ounce of hops.

Boil 5 more minutes and remove from heat. Put wort into a sanitized

fermenter topped up with ice cold spring water (if you live outside of

Somerset County, use that bottled stuff they sell at the market). When

temperature falls below 75 degrees, add yeast. Ferment and bottle as usual.

Use hockey stick to ward off growling woodchucks.