I dunno about you guys & gals but when me & my buddies get together at the bar or with a couple of cases, hilarity ensues. So, if you got any good jokes you tell at the bar (or during experiments in consumption within your own home), let 'em rip!
Here is a good one I heard recently at Judge Roy Beans (a dark, English pub here in Bristol, RI, USA):
Q: What kind of bees make milk?
A: BOOBIES!
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Porter?! I never even met her!
"Drunk Mike"
Beware, this one's long! In light of the upcoming St. Patrick's Day holiday, I'd like to share my most favorite beer joke, told to me by my mentor...my dad.
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There once were three brothers who lived in Ireland and they were the closest of brothers. One day it came to pass that one of the brothers was heading to the Americas to live and work. The three all bowed their heads and said a little something, they nodded and the youngest brother went off to America.
When the brother reached America, he immediately sought out his neighborhood bar. When he approached the bartender, he proceeded to order three Guinness pints. As the bartender looked around for the "other two", he shook his head and poured the pints. The foreigner sat down with his three pints and drank from them one sip at a time in a clockwise circle.
This went on for many weeks, until one day, pressed by the local patrons, the bartender asked the man, "Why is it you order three pints of Guinness and drink them in a circle?"
The brother replied in a thick, Irish brogue, "When I left Ireland, me brothers and I made a pact that we would always drink a pint of Guinness for the brothers who were not there!"
The bartender took this news back to the locals and the crowd was pleased. But one day, the Irishman walked into the bar and ordered but two Guinness pints. The entire bar went silent as the bartender poured the beer. As he handed the pints to the man they had come to know, he bowed his head and said, "I want you to know that we are sorry for your loss."
The Irishman looked at the bartender with a confused look and the bartender explained, "Well, you know...we assumed since you had only ordered two pints that one of your brothers had passed."
But the Irishman just looked at him and said in the most serious of tones, "Oh no. I just quit drinking!"
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Thanks Dad, -BeerGal
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Give me a woman who truly loves beer, and I will conquer the world! - Kaiser Wilhelm
3 beer reps , a bud rep, a coors rep and a Guinness rep, are all traveling the same sales route. One day they all decided to go out together after work. When the waitress arrived to take their orders the Bud rep said: "I'll have the king of beers, Budweiser." The Coors rep said: "I'll have the only beer brewed with waters of the Rocky Mountains, Coors."
The Guinness rep said: "I will have a Coke."
Both the Bud and Coors reps looked and the Guinness rep and asked why he wasn't going to have a Guinness? To which the Guinness rep replied: "Hell, if you guys aren't going to have a beer neither am I."
An englshman, american, and a canadian went to a pub for a beer. When the draft was delivered they each noticed a fly floating on top. The englishman pushed his draft away in disgust. "Bloody hell, I cannot drink such a mess!" The american shrugged and picked the fly out of his beer. He then proceeded to drink it. The canadian was very disturbed. He picked the fly up, shaking it and yelled, "Spit it out you bastard! Spit it out!"
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. Hey says "Barman, a black and tan please!" The barman makes him the best black and tan he ever tasted, using Guiness and Bass Ale. As he enjoys his beer, another man walks in and sits next to him.
He says "Barman, a Coors Light please." The first man says "Ahh Coors Light, that brinks back memories, like the time I made love in a boat." The other man says "What do you mean?" The first guy says "Well, It's fucking close to water."
A hot dog walks into a bar.
"Sorry, " the bartender says. "We don't serve food here."
A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into the bar.
A midget with a duck walks into the bar.
"Hey, " the bartender says. "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"
...more of a good natured bet. bet someone a draft or a shot or whatever that you can bend a lit cig in half without breaking it. then take a new cig, wet the unfiltered end, light as normal, then voila, bend in half.
A guy and a giraffe walk into a bar. They start ordering shots and beers.
After quite a few rounds, the giraffe passes out and collapses on the floor.
The guy stands up and starts stumbling towards the door. The bartender
sees this and calls out "Hey Buddy! You can't leave that lyin' around here!"
To which the drunk replies "(hic!) Ish notta lion, ish a giraffe!"
...i laughed, anyway!
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"Martinis are for squares, man."
I took this one off of this site. So for those of you that have read it sorry. Made me laugh.
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Mick is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
A man goes to a proctologist for his very first rectal exam. The doc tells him to wait in the examination room. Once inside, the man notices three items on the desk: a tube of K-Y Jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor comes in, the man says, “Look, Doc, this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for … but what’s the beer doing there?”
The doctor looks at the beer and turns red with anger. “Nurse,” he screams. “I said a butt light!”
Another Beer Bet
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