Your favortie bar joke?

[mbritojr]

I dunno about you guys & gals but when me & my buddies get together at the bar or with a couple of cases, hilarity ensues. So, if you got any good jokes you tell at the bar (or during experiments in consumption within your own home), let 'em rip!

Here is a good one I heard recently at Judge Roy Beans (a dark, English pub here in Bristol, RI, USA):

Q: What kind of bees make milk?
A: BOOBIES!

:D

[s00z]

Beware, this one's long! In light of the upcoming St. Patrick's Day holiday, I'd like to share my most favorite beer joke, told to me by my mentor...my dad.

*************************************************
There once were three brothers who lived in Ireland and they were the closest of brothers. One day it came to pass that one of the brothers was heading to the Americas to live and work. The three all bowed their heads and said a little something, they nodded and the youngest brother went off to America.

When the brother reached America, he immediately sought out his neighborhood bar. When he approached the bartender, he proceeded to order three Guinness pints. As the bartender looked around for the "other two", he shook his head and poured the pints. The foreigner sat down with his three pints and drank from them one sip at a time in a clockwise circle.

This went on for many weeks, until one day, pressed by the local patrons, the bartender asked the man, "Why is it you order three pints of Guinness and drink them in a circle?"

The brother replied in a thick, Irish brogue, "When I left Ireland, me brothers and I made a pact that we would always drink a pint of Guinness for the brothers who were not there!"

The bartender took this news back to the locals and the crowd was pleased. But one day, the Irishman walked into the bar and ordered but two Guinness pints. The entire bar went silent as the bartender poured the beer. As he handed the pints to the man they had come to know, he bowed his head and said, "I want you to know that we are sorry for your loss."

The Irishman looked at the bartender with a confused look and the bartender explained, "Well, you know...we assumed since you had only ordered two pints that one of your brothers had passed."

But the Irishman just looked at him and said in the most serious of tones, "Oh no. I just quit drinking!"
**************************************************

Thanks Dad, -BeerGal

[BrigieDarling]

Two nuns are in a bath, one says "Where's the soap?" the other replies... "Yeah it does doesn't it!"

Take it easy on me I have'nt had enough beer yet! :p

http://www.brit-world.com/

[Beer Nazi]

A blonde walks into a bar and says, "OUCH!!!"....

I haven't had enough yet either!!! :D

[bsardin]

3 beer reps , a bud rep, a coors rep and a Guinness rep, are all traveling the same sales route. One day they all decided to go out together after work. When the waitress arrived to take their orders the Bud rep said: "I'll have the king of beers, Budweiser." The Coors rep said: "I'll have the only beer brewed with waters of the Rocky Mountains, Coors."
The Guinness rep said: "I will have a Coke."
Both the Bud and Coors reps looked and the Guinness rep and asked why he wasn't going to have a Guinness? To which the Guinness rep replied: "Hell, if you guys aren't going to have a beer neither am I."

[donut]

i got these from http://www.steinemann.ch/beer/

An englshman, american, and a canadian went to a pub for a beer. When the draft was delivered they each noticed a fly floating on top. The englishman pushed his draft away in disgust. "Bloody hell, I cannot drink such a mess!" The american shrugged and picked the fly out of his beer. He then proceeded to drink it. The canadian was very disturbed. He picked the fly up, shaking it and yelled, "Spit it out you bastard! Spit it out!"

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. Hey says "Barman, a black and tan please!" The barman makes him the best black and tan he ever tasted, using Guiness and Bass Ale. As he enjoys his beer, another man walks in and sits next to him.
He says "Barman, a Coors Light please." The first man says "Ahh Coors Light, that brinks back memories, like the time I made love in a boat." The other man says "What do you mean?" The first guy says "Well, It's fucking close to water."


hehe

[hnrblbrbrn]

A blonde walks into a bar ...

....ouch


A hot dog walks into a bar.
"Sorry, " the bartender says. "We don't serve food here."

A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into the bar.
A midget with a duck walks into the bar.
"Hey, " the bartender says. "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"



Ba Dum Bum

[b3s]

...more of a good natured bet. bet someone a draft or a shot or whatever that you can bend a lit cig in half without breaking it. then take a new cig, wet the unfiltered end, light as normal, then voila, bend in half.

[hnrblbrbrn]

Did you know that you can drink out of an unopened wine bottle?


Flip it upside down and fill that indentation on the bottom with your beverage of choice. :cool:

[pubscout]

A horse walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Drunk at the next stool looks over and says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?":p

[threecb]

A guy and a giraffe walk into a bar. They start ordering shots and beers.

After quite a few rounds, the giraffe passes out and collapses on the floor.
The guy stands up and starts stumbling towards the door. The bartender
sees this and calls out "Hey Buddy! You can't leave that lyin' around here!"

To which the drunk replies "(hic!) Ish notta lion, ish a giraffe!"


...i laughed, anyway!

[Tweek]

I took this one off of this site. So for those of you that have read it sorry. Made me laugh.

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Mick is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda ... no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

[hopjack13]

A man goes to a proctologist for his very first rectal exam. The doc tells him to wait in the examination room. Once inside, the man notices three items on the desk: a tube of K-Y Jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor comes in, the man says, “Look, Doc, this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for … but what’s the beer doing there?”

The doctor looks at the beer and turns red with anger. “Nurse,” he screams. “I said a butt light!”

[Tweek]

Husbands note on refrigerator to his wife:

"Someone from Gyna College called and said that your Pabst beer is normal.
When did you start drinking beer?"

[mbritojr]

Q: Know what happened when two nuts tried to cross the road?
A: One waa assaulted (A Salted)...

Get it?

Hey, it is kid friendly and it sounded funny at the bar an hour ago! Of course that was 7 Sam Adams ago...what the fuck i am WASTED!

[fretlessman71]

A man goes into a bar, sits on a stool and orders a drink from the bartender, who sets it down in front of him and walks off to tend to other business. While the man is sipping his drink, he hears a voice from somewhere nearby say, "Hey... nice shirt you got there." He looks around, but nobody is there. A minute later, he hears it again: "You know, that shirt really brings out the color of your eyes." Whipping his head around, he searches and searches but can find nobody nearby enough to have said anything to him. The bartender returns shortly to find the man with a very unnerved look on his face, and asks him if everything is all right.

"Well, no, now that you mention it," he replies, "I just heard a voice tell me how much they admired my shirt."

"Oh, those are the peanuts," the bartender reassures him. "They're complimentary."

[hotgothicgrl13]

i have a little funny myself....
of course my humor appreciates it!

every one enjoys having a beer with their meals, makes the meal right?whats good to drink, first thing you look at when looking at the menu.

you know what canables enjoy with thier beer? of course a good meal too.

but the difference is they read a phone book....!:D

[Aske]

translating it from italian, sorry for mistakes
A scottish man walks to a market and buy a bottle of beer; when he walks out, a car hit him. He's now lying down in the street, and he feel something is flowing down his legs, and he says: "God, let it be my blood..."

[wortchillergoal]

A Canadian, a New Yorker, and a Floridian are brinking beer in a bar. When the Canadian finishes, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out a pistol and shoots it. He says," In Canada we have so much sand and quartz to make glass we don't drink out of the same on twice." The New Yorker finishes his beer and shoots his glass out of the air saying," We have so much money in New York City to buy that Canadian glass that we don't drink out of the same glass twice." The Floridian finishes his beer, pulls out his pistol and shoots the Canadian and New Yorker. He looks at the bartender and says,"We have so many Canadians and New Yorkers in Florida that we don't drink with same ones twice.

[atxf4i]

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
Damn.

How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

[sallad]

this one is best told in person with a little emotion behind it ;)

A duck walks into a bar and says, "hey, got any grapes?" The bartender replies, "No, we don't have any grapes." "OK," says the duck and walks out.

Next day, the duck walks back into the bar and says, "Hey, got any grapes?" A little annoyed, the bartender says, "No, i told you yesterday, we don't have any grapes." "OK," says the duck and walks out.

Next day, the duck walks in and says, "Hey, got any grapes?" The bartender, rather angry, says, "Look, I told you before, we don't have any grapes. We don't carry grapes, never did, never will!! Now get out of here!" "OK, OK," says the duck and leaves.

Next day, the duck walks in and before he can say anything the bartender yells, "If you ask me for grapes, I'm going to take your beak and nail it to the bar!!!" The duck, taken aback, thinks for a minute and says, "Got any nails?" "NO!!" screams the bartender. So the duck says, "Good! Got any grapes?"

hooohooo i love it!

[hopjack13]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter,
who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him
a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just
bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it
and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile
and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table
and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and
takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have--meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had
just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner
mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty
fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells
great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is
screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time
the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him
coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I
take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man
walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already
have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and
says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here!"

[hopjack13]

A well-known cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral, with many of his fellow MDs in attendance. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral -- I'm a gynecologist."

At that point, the proctologist fainted

[sallad]

2 Irishmen are sitting at the pub near the window. The first guy points out the window and says, "Ya see that shack over there? I built that shack with me own hands, but they don't call me Gregor the Shack Builder do they?"

his friend says, "No, they don't."

"And ya see that house over there? I built that house with me own hands, but they don't call me Gregor the House Builder do they?"

His friend says, "No, they don't."

"And ya see that castle way up on that hill over there? I built that castle with me own hands, but they don't call me Gregor the Castle Builder do they?"

His friend says, "No, they sure don't."

"But ya fuck one sheep, and its Gregor the Sheep Fucker for the rest o' yer life!"

pardon my french, but this is the bar jokes forum, after all. :p

[guzzler67]

What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?


You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

[briansbelly.com]

A Priest, a Rabbi, a Nun, a guy with a duck under his arm, three Polish guys, a blonde, a brunette, a redhead and a horse all walk into a bar.

The bartender says "What is this, a Heineken commercial?"

Hi-yo...

[hopjack13]

my mother-in-law owns horse's so one day me and my youngest son were back there feeding them when he pointed at the horse's schlong and said "daddy, whats that?" to which i told him the truth and said, "son, thats his penis." he looked at me for a few seconds then replied, "well mommy said that that was nothing." "well son...." i said " you mother's spoiled "

[BluesHarp]

A guy is staying at a hotel while on a business trip. The hotel has a bar on the very top floor. While enjoying more than a few pints of ale, the guy next to him at the bar looks over and says "this is a very unique bar, you know"
"Why is that?", the man replied.
"Well, being way up here on the top floor, and being near the mountains, there are some very unusual wind patterns".
"Unusual? how do you mean?"
"You can actually jump out the window, and the updraft will blow you right back in"
"You're nuts" the first man replies,and returns to his drinking.
"Yeah? Watch this" The guy runs toward the window and leaps out as the first man watches in horror. A second later, he is tossed back through the window as if thrown by some mysterious force.
"See, what did I tell you?"
The first man, now with a good deal of liquid courage, runs to the window, jumps out, and falls to his death.
The bar tender looks up and shakes his head at the guy at the bar "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drinking"




Superman is flying around one day bored, so he begins using his x-ray vision to do a little peeping; suddenly he sees Wonder Woman lying stark naked on her bed. Being a little horny, he flys through her window, gives her the business, and flys back out; being faster than a speeding bullet, of course, the whole thing is over in the blink of an eye.
"What the hell was that?" exclaimed Wonder Woman.
"Damned if I know", replied the Invisible Man, "but my ass hurts".

[Beerconnoisseur]

So... one day this guy walks into a bar, with a monkey on his shoulder. He goes up to the bar, sets the monkey down, and starts playing pool. The monkey goes over, and proceeds to eat an entire bowl of olives. The bartender looks at this with a raised eyebrow, whereupon the man says: "Oh, don't worry, I'll pay for it, no problem." Eventually, the man finishes his game of pool, pays for the olives, takes his monkey and goes out.

Next week, the same man walks into the bar, again carrying this monkey. He walks up to the bar, sets the monkey down, and starts playing pool. The monkey goes over, and eats up all the complimentary nuts from one of the bowls. Bartender looks at the guy, who assures that he will pay for everything. Guy finishes, pays, and takes his monkey and goes out.

Week after that, the guy walks into the bar, sets his monkey down. This time, the monkey scampers over to the pool table, grabs the cue ball, and swallows it. Obviously, the guy can't play his game of pool. So he pays the barkeep for the cue ball, takes his monkey and walks out.

So a little time passes, and one day the guy walks in, again with his monkey on his shoulder. He goes up to the bar, sets the monkey down, who runs over to a bowl of cherries. The monkey grabs a cherry, sticks it up its ass, then pulls it out and proceeds to eat it.

At this point, the barkeep just loses it. "OK, pal, that was the sickest thing I've ever seen. I don't care how much money you have, you and your monkey are out of here."

To which the man replies: "Oh, don't mind my monkey. Ever since he had that cue ball, he measures everything before he eats it."

Thank you, thank you :D

[Otis_The_Drunk]

A man who has been setting in a bar for many hours makes a bet with the bar tender $50.00 that if the bar tender was to set a shot glass at one end of the bar, the man could stand at the other end and piss into the shot glass and not spill a drop.

The bar tender said you’re on!
So the bar tender sets it up and the man stands on the other end of the bar and starts pissing all over it.
The bar tender starts laughing and tells the man he owes him $50.00.
The man pays the bar tender off and steps down off of the bar.

As soon as he steps down he goes over to a customer who pays him $500.00.

The bar tender sensing that he's been had, asks what's up?
The man replies that he had bet the other man that I can piss all over the bar and have the you laugh about it. :D

[Seymour]

A termite walks into a bar, sits down and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer........and a bag of peanuts. Bartender says, "Hey, why the long pause (paws)?"

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we got a drink named after you!" Grasshopper says, "Who'd name a drink Bob?"

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, "Olive or twist?"

Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Have a beer?" Descartes says, "I think not." And disappears.

[fretlessman71]

Three very thirsty pieces of string are walking around on a hot day, see a bar, and decide to have a few. So they walk in and sit down at a booth, and one of them gets up and heads to the bar. He calls out, "Bartender, I'll have a pitcher of beer, and 3 glasses!" The bartender looks over, walks to him and says, "You're not a real person... you're just a piece of string! We don't serve string pieces here... get out!"

Upon hearing this, the piece of string dejectedly slinks back over to his friends to tell them what happened. The next piece of string says, "Let ME try." So off he goes, sort of hunched over to make himself look really big, and when he arrives at the bar he calls out (in a very low voice), "HEY BARKEEP... ONE PITCHER; 3 GLASSES." The bartender looks at him, agog, and says, "Did your friend send you over here? I'm telling you the same thing: WE DON'T SERVE PIECES OF STRING. SCRAM."

With a tear in his eye, he returns to the table, whereupon the third piece of string says: "I got an idea." So he ties himself up into a HUGE knot, and takes the knife on the table to frizz out the outside of the knot so it resembles hair on top of a head. He sets off for the bar, and upon arrival, says, "Bartender? I'd like a pitcher and 3 glasses." The bartender turns around and says, "Aren't you just another piece of string?"

"Nope," says the piece of string, "I'm AFRAID NOT." :D

(a frayed knot... get it?)

[Lamprey]

What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?








Nothing.

[chazwicke]

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was intense.

[Seymour]

Did you hear the one about the blind carpenter who picked up a hammer and saw?

[fretlessman71]

Took me three days to realize that you weren't going to post a punch line to that joke... and then I just got it. BOY, do I feel dumb...

[HarkJohnny]

Originally posted by fretlessman71
Took me three days to realize that you weren't going to post a punch line to that joke... and then I just got it. BOY, do I feel dumb...

that's the funniest one i've read yet! lol

[Blkandrust]

A guy walks into a bar and orders 10 shot's of tequila,he tells the bartender he'd like them all at once.Curious,the bartender asks him why he wants them all at once.The man says "I am celebrating my first B.J.".The bartender says,"Congrats,let me buy you a shot as well".The man replies;"No thanks,10 shots should get the taste out of my mouth"!



Lord, i apologize for that one!!

[Seymour]

Originally posted by fretlessman71
Took me three days to realize that you weren't going to post a punch line to that joke... and then I just got it. BOY, do I feel dumb...

You're not alone, fret. I read that joke twice before I got it. Then I laughed at it for two days, and at my own thick-headedness for three!

Guy walks into a bar, orders two shots of bourbon and kills 'em. Bartender says, "Ouch. Must've been something tough."

Guy says, "Ah hell, I just found out my brother is gay." He sits staring morosely at the glasses a minute, then pays and leaves. Several days later, he stalks in, orders five shots, and downs each one, neat. Bartender says, "Wanna talk about it?"

Guy says, "Hell, now I find out my DAD is gay!" He sits glowering into space, then pays his tab and shuffles out.

Several days later, he bursts through the door, orders TWELVE shots, and drains them. Bartender says, "Damn, boy, don't anyone in your family like women?"

Guy says, "Apparently my WIFE does!!"

[DeadAhead]

...
Man walks into a bar carrying a little fellow about a foot tall. Goes up to the bar and sets the little fellow down whereupon the little guy runs over to the piano in the corner and starts playing the most beautiful music; from beethoven to jerry lee lewis. Just jamming. Of course the barkeep is very impressed and asks the man where he found such a small but talented friend. Man pulls out a genie lamp and says he rubbed the lamp and made a wish. Barkeep asks if he can give it a try. Man says "sure". Barkeep rubs the lamp, closes his eyes and makes a wish. Nothing happens. He gets irritated and asks the man "hey, what's up. I rub the lamp, make my wish, so where's my wish?" Man says, "just wait, be patient". Sure enough, few minutes later there's a HUGE rumble and suddenly the roof collapses down under the weight of a huge amount of ducks and now they're flying EVERYWHERE. Now the barkeep is pissed and exclaims, "damnit, now look at my place. what's going on here? I wished for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!!" Man looks at him calmly and says "well silly, did you really think that I had wished for a 12 inch pianist????"

[s00z]

Ok, here's another of my favorites! I tell it pretty well in public so you'll just have to imagine.
____________

Old man sittin' on a porch watching the lil' boy go by. One day he looks down and says to the lil' boy, "Hey Boy! Whatchoo got there?" Lil' boy looks up and says, "Why...I got me some duck-tape." Old man says, "Lil' Boy....whatchoo goin' do with duck-tape?" Lil' boy scratches his head, says "I'm gonna catch me some ducks!" Old man laughs and shakes his head and says, "You damn fool...you cain't catch no ducks with no duck-tape." Lil' boys smiles and walks away and says, "Watch me!" Lil' boy walks off. Sure enough, little while later, 'lil boy comes walking back by the porch with 30 ducks walkin' behind him!

Next day, Old man sittin' on a porch watching the lil' boy go by. He looks down and says to the lil' boy, "Hey Boy! Whatchoo got there?" Lil' boy looks up and says, "Why...I got me some chicken wire." Old man says, "Lil' Boy....whatchoo goin' do with some chicken wire?" Lil' boy scratches his head, says "I'm gonna catch me some chickins!" Old man laughs and shakes his head and says, "You damn fool...you cain't catch no chickens with no chicke-wire!" Lil' boys smiles and walks away and says, "Watch me!" Lil' boy walks off. Sure enough, little while later, 'lil boy comes walking back by the porch with 30 chickens walkin' behind him!

Next day, Old man sittin' on a porch watching the lil' boy go by. He looks down and says to the lil' boy, "Hey Boy! Whatchoo got there?" Lil' boy looks up and says, "Why...I got me some pussy willows!" Old man gets up and says, "Hang on son, m'gonna go get m'hat!!"

;) -BeerGal